:D

I know I've recently had like, a bout of depression kinda thing (felt like it anyway), but I am so happy right now I can hardly believe it. I never realised how good it would make me feel to go through David's box of 'important stuff' that he had me looking after at mine while he moved (til today, when I brought it back round) and read all the things I've written to him over the years and realise that I still feel them. I read his diary from when he was about 14/15 and it made me love him more, and realise how, although stuff isn't always perfect, he really is one of a kind. He's deeper than I ever thought and so complex I doubt I'll ever truly know him, know everything about him, but I love that because it means I still have so much to find out. You know that feeling you get when you're in love, and you hug the person you love, and you just want to... like... squish into them?! Like if we were both flubber I want us to flub' together and become one bigger flubber. I know this is all really cheesy! (You should read some of the things I wrote when we'd only been together a few months! Hallmark eat your heart out (what a grose phrase!).

The depths of him make me wonder if I'm a little shallow in comparison. Not in the materialistic sense of the word, just in the sense that I wear my heart on my sleeve to some extent, and the extent that I don't I've told him all about. I've never been really honest in any of my diaries because I've always been afraid someone would read them, so I've always held back. Even the one I just bought, I held back. And I get this stupid thing in my head where I think that like, when I wrote in my new diary I was really depressed, so if I write in it again I'll get depressed again kinda... like it's... jinxed or something. I envy Jen because it's always seemed like when she wrote she wrote for her, like in diaries and stuff, and if you watch her writing you can kinda tell she's not holding back. I really want that. I just need to trust that no one will read it. I'd love to have a really personal account of my early teen years cos a lot of stuff was changing, and Pop died (his bday today - 82 I think), it'd be nice to have an account of what I was thinking and feeling, rather then not having one because I'm too scared. I'm so fed up with being scared.

I don't like buying diaries for myself, they seem too planned. But I love the one I've got, I'd like another one just like it but it was £7 (paperchase, it's hardback with like... hibiscus flowers and shiny petels, no wonder it cost a bit). I like Jen's diary, she bought it while she was with me. It's recycled! Very good. I dunno, maybe after college I'll get back into writing in one, maybe buy a new one, but my last couple of months of college are surely some of the most important! I really think I'll cry after my last exam, with relief, fear, happiness, everything! I'll just have to make sure I do it away from the exam hall!

Love you all! Cat x.