Phone

So... my mobile has decided it'd be fun to turn itself off mid activity (phone all, text... it just dies). So that's fun. I'm on the phone to 02 atm hoping that it doesn't cut out.

Life's been pretty werid lately. My boyfriend and I broke up, after 4 years. I did it. I felt like I wasn't in love with him any more. I don't know though. All my friends are telling me that if I was still in love with him then I wouldn't have broken up with him. Which is kinda true, we did have problems, but now I'm wondering if that isn't fixible. I don't know. All I know is I love him so completely and I hate not being with him.

I'm seeing a counsellor on Tuesday, which I hope will help me to get my head straight, and figure out what it is that I want. If I do want to get back with him then I have a few more issues to resolve first. I'm moving to Australia soon (Sept or Jan, dunno which yet) so I have limited time to do it all in.

I spoke to his (effective) step mum and she was very nice and think that I've done the right thing and realises that although he doesn't realise it, I am trying to do what's best for the both of us. She's doing her best to help him and his dad's there for him too, although I know he feels lost and hopeless.

Heartache is aweful, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Even though I did the breaking up I still feel like something's been taken from my forcefully.

Hiding at my sister's atm, it's nice to not be in the house. My gran died a week ago yesterday and as it's mother's day that's hard on my mum . We're taking her to dinner later.

I really badly want to get a Nikon D60. I'm selling my F-75. I only paid £130 for it (nearly new) so I'm hoping I can get back most of what I spent if I sell it to a college student or something. It's a good camera and in good nic (I have the manual too). Once I get a digital camera I'll be able to take pictures to my hearts delight (battery pending) which will make me happier as I feel I'm losing my creativity.

I just started reading a book that my friend lent me, it's the first book I've read for about a year. I haven't found another one that's grabbed me like this one. I think I have to find books that suit the mood or stage that I'm in. This one seems to do that.

The Notebook is a film well worth watching.

If you comment be nice, I don't want any crisitism (constructive or otherwise).

It's MONDAY!

Which has nothing to do with anything, I just couldn't think what else to write. It is true though, it is monday (isn't it???). (ah, I love how the negation works on tag questions).

Anyway, haven't blogged for a while. Though I would. Stuff's ok atm. Haven't got a job yet but waiting to hear back from one, and got an interview on Wednesday. To which I get to wear my AMAZING (ly expensive) suit! I LOVE it! Makes me look good too, which is always nice. Hoping I get the one I got the interview for on Wed. I don't really want the other one, but obviously I will take what's going as I'm leaving in like a year (aaaaaaaah!). I totally understand Jen's pov, it isn't a good plan to tell them you're not available in a year, so I haven't been. I told BS that I'm going to Australia next year but didn't mention why or anything, so they just think I'm travelling there for fun! haha! And that means they think it's all flexible and stuff. Little do they know!

Regarding uni, I have applied! Go me! *woot woot*. I have to send them my certificates (photocopies of) which I don't get until Oct/Nov and then I have to go to Australia House (the Aussie embassy in London) and photocopy them and get some lil dude there do say that they're real and true photocopies of the originals. And then I have to get them to Australia by Jan 4th, all of which makes me SO late past the close off date that I have to pay $109+ for the pleasure of having them look at it. It's balls it really is. But still, must be done. While I'm there I'm also going to take David up and pester them about this spouse visa thing. Fun fun.

Then in February I have to go up again to get new passports, which is gonna cost me a sweet lil bundle (about £200+ I believe). As I got both of mine when I was <18 I have to reapply from scratch. Which means doing all the photo stuff and taking up my citizenship certificate and what have you. Takes ages! They're very slow in there. I also have to get my English one redone, but it may be quicker for me to do that in Newport (lucy! woop woop).

Life in general is going good. I'm quite down about a few things, but it's not bothering me everso much. I guess it is actually, but only on the inside.

I'm going to the gym in a bit anyway. Then I MUST go and find some new trainers cos OWIE! my feet hurt. Bloody blisters and bunyins and what not. BALLS I SAY! BAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSS! Big hairy saggy ones! Haha! That made me laugh. Ah, simple things.

I really have to finish my room too, I have a big pile of stuff in the middle of my room containing clothes, paper, magazines, more paper, blankets, pens, a toothbrush (*shrugs*), and many many other bizarre things.

My darling lil laptop seems to be dying too, I'm a bit pissed about that.

I want Yo-ho ahoy on DVD!

Hobbit tonight! WOOOOOP!

Love you guys x.

IT'S ALIVE!

By which I mean, it's working! But only cos I'm at David's...

Well well, fun and games have been had here all week. The neighbours who played shite drum and base all the live long day have been evicted, and since then they have tried to smash down the front door, the back door, and are suspected of trying to climb though and opposite neighbours bedroom window and slashing him across the stomach. During the night of the slashing and the front door breaking there were armed police (3 cars and a paddy wagon) driving around the street looking for them.

This morning Karen woke David up with an alarmed manner ("DAVID! DAVID!") to which he rish down stairs with his Samuri sword only to find a rather startled housing officer and a flooded living room.



FUN!!!


So! What's new in the life of Benny? Not much. I was meant to work last night but didn't due to cramps (fun), I haven't got a "proper" job yet and probably won't until Aug/Sept time when all the students piss off back to uni (not you lucy). I have 3 weeks to loose 2 inches of my circumfrance (I know I'm not a circle) so I can get back into my size 10 prom dress, ready for Linda's 21st birthday masqurade ball. I also want to get fit. I went jogging with linda and was much less puffed out during after than I was last year, so I am fitter, but I'm still not fit. Due tot the attempted rape on the common it is crawling with police and they are advising women to stay off it. Luckily Linda recently joined my gym so we can go up there together.

I love not having any "having to's" but I would prefer to be a bit more constructive with my bumming around; that meaning finish my room, look for work, get fit, get organised in general and see some mates...

I am free, always, so text me and I will come see you. Although I dunno when I'm working next week so it might have to fit around that.

Woop to the world!

Love you guys *hugs*.

ps. Harry Potter has apparently pissed off some Jews (much to Jen's neighbour's delight I imagine!) because they are opening shops on their day of rest thing to sell the book.

Fun fun fun.

Nokia rule

Haven't posted for a while, this always seems to break on me so I haven't been bothered.

I have 2 exams left! Thank god this week is over, I had 4, 3 maths and 1 3 hr lit. Next one is lit on tues, and the following wed i have lang and then
I
AM
FREE!

It's been a long journey *sniff* but I did it! it's amazing.

I got a new phone on thurs, it's a samsung U600, and I like it, but the camera is deathly slow, so I'm swapping it for a song ericsson K800i in silver (james and nicks phone, but silver). I has the same quality camera, but actual flash (not just a light) and it's loads quicker. The nexting seems to be like samsung so that's ok, and it lacks all the good things nokia has just like samsung. (like not having a list when texting (having the button u press on predictive instead, much better). I was unkeen on it cos I don't really like the look but the silver one is much nicer :D. I'm gonna go have a look at one properly in the shop today, but it's the only other phone I know of with a 3.2 camera, which is what I want, so my choices are limited. I think it'll be sturdy-er than my new phone too. I'm gonna miss the touch sensitive buttons though... maybe the shop can suggest a different one... hmmm...

my contract is good tho, 2600 mins and 1000 txts for £35pm. Not bad!

I should be revising, but i can't be asked just now.

love you all!

Laptop

I have a laptop!! EEEEEEEEEEE! She (it's a she cos she's small and cute, it's more of a notebook than a laptop to be honest, but I love her) was £150 from Don (guy my granny lives with, life my granddad I guess, but... not). And it came in a spiderman box and has spider man (1 I think) preinstalled!

I love it!

And I love jenny, cos I had such a nice evening with her, and I love lucy and david and james and everyone!

Jen gave me wine and james gave me cake!

:D

I know I've recently had like, a bout of depression kinda thing (felt like it anyway), but I am so happy right now I can hardly believe it. I never realised how good it would make me feel to go through David's box of 'important stuff' that he had me looking after at mine while he moved (til today, when I brought it back round) and read all the things I've written to him over the years and realise that I still feel them. I read his diary from when he was about 14/15 and it made me love him more, and realise how, although stuff isn't always perfect, he really is one of a kind. He's deeper than I ever thought and so complex I doubt I'll ever truly know him, know everything about him, but I love that because it means I still have so much to find out. You know that feeling you get when you're in love, and you hug the person you love, and you just want to... like... squish into them?! Like if we were both flubber I want us to flub' together and become one bigger flubber. I know this is all really cheesy! (You should read some of the things I wrote when we'd only been together a few months! Hallmark eat your heart out (what a grose phrase!).

The depths of him make me wonder if I'm a little shallow in comparison. Not in the materialistic sense of the word, just in the sense that I wear my heart on my sleeve to some extent, and the extent that I don't I've told him all about. I've never been really honest in any of my diaries because I've always been afraid someone would read them, so I've always held back. Even the one I just bought, I held back. And I get this stupid thing in my head where I think that like, when I wrote in my new diary I was really depressed, so if I write in it again I'll get depressed again kinda... like it's... jinxed or something. I envy Jen because it's always seemed like when she wrote she wrote for her, like in diaries and stuff, and if you watch her writing you can kinda tell she's not holding back. I really want that. I just need to trust that no one will read it. I'd love to have a really personal account of my early teen years cos a lot of stuff was changing, and Pop died (his bday today - 82 I think), it'd be nice to have an account of what I was thinking and feeling, rather then not having one because I'm too scared. I'm so fed up with being scared.

I don't like buying diaries for myself, they seem too planned. But I love the one I've got, I'd like another one just like it but it was £7 (paperchase, it's hardback with like... hibiscus flowers and shiny petels, no wonder it cost a bit). I like Jen's diary, she bought it while she was with me. It's recycled! Very good. I dunno, maybe after college I'll get back into writing in one, maybe buy a new one, but my last couple of months of college are surely some of the most important! I really think I'll cry after my last exam, with relief, fear, happiness, everything! I'll just have to make sure I do it away from the exam hall!

Love you all! Cat x.

The boring shit that is my education

I do NOT like homework!

It's like going to the dentist to get a bit of decay that bloody hurts drilled out; you don't wanna, but the alternative is faaaaar worse.

That is all.